The Leg-Pull According to
Andrew Frankenetti

 Get me outta here! (Back to

This is a joke. “What is a joke?” you ask. Can’t you hear the deafinition? Allow me to x-plain… A joke is for the people who can take it, who get it, and who like what they get. Get it?
This is a religion. A religion is a Belief System, or BS, as someone who didn't believe he was named Andrew Frankenetti explained on several occasions. Andrew Frankenetti believed that She made the following proclamations to help you achieve Illoonimation and to know what Enlighten-up meant. You’d better believe it.

REMEMBER  : Andrew Frankenetti said it first, but Andrew Frankenetti gets the last word. When Andrew Frankenetti starts with the last word, the only way forward is back to the beginning. If you don't take Andrew Frankenetti's word for it, take it for your own.

Rule Number One

1. Don’t pay attention to the plot.
1. Stranger things have happened.
1. Let’s be Frank.
1. Humor was a myth created by Andrew Frankenetti.
1. PROcess not CONtext
1. If you don’t know what to say, unwrap the obvious, then swallow the wrapper.  Don’t call for help… you knew what you were getting into.
1. Always look both ways before crossing your eyes.

1. The Short Road to Frankensense Everlasting contains bristles and nettles necessary for the bloodletting of the pure at heart.
1. If you ask us, we will booblarize you.
1. Do what you did when you were 5 and make it smart... but not too smart.
andrew frankenetti

Andrew Frankenetti

1. Andrew Frankenetti is the greatest Italian who never lived.
1. Andrew Frankenetti stands for nothing and lies for everything.
1. Andrew Frankenetti never says stop.
1. Andrew Frankenetti’s father was a traffic cop.
1. Andrew Frankenetti makes Frankensense.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is a dick, but She has no sack -- unlike the prophets of the sack-religions.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is a not-for-prophet.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is not selling what you’re buying.
1. Andrew Frankenetti stays on the balls.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is winning 84-to-nothing.
1. Andrew Frankenetti will hold up (in) a court of law.
1. Andrew Frankenetti does not practice gimmicks. She performs them.
1. Andrew Frankenetti eats mice and shits out rats.
1. When Andrew Frankenetti eats birds, monkeys fly out of her butt.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is pretty, pretty, pretty good.
1. Andrew Frankenetti’s work is never done - mainly because she doesn't do it.
1. When Andrew Frankenetti seams funny, you bust a stitch.
1. Andrew Frankenetti tailored the Emperor's birthday suit using a needle in a haystack.
1. Andrew Frankenetti gets a better grip on Irreality with Talchemy Powder.
1. Andrew Frankenetti knows where you are in spice and thyme after taking a cooking class with Heisenberg’s Elementary School Principal.
1. Andrew Frankenetti would - and did - feed lion to the Christians.
1. Species are feces.
1. When Andrew Frankenetti eats dung beetles, She shits out dung-dung beetles.
1. Coffee makes Andrew Frankenetti sweat beads of justice.
1. Andrew Frankenetti met a physicist on tall, logical high heels before her Big Bang..
1. Andrew Frankenetti does not eat dung-dung beetles, because then She would be constipated, and all life would cease to exist.
1. Andrew Frankenetti cried for our butt-chins.
1. Andrew Frankenetti ties double knots with too wide, twice-tied, tightlty taut, twelve to twenty-two ton tongue-twisters.
1. Andrew Frankenetti took the proof out of the pudding and made it foolproof.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is having a ball, and you're invited.
1. Andrew Frankenetti slipped a Mickey in your Mouse when you quit drinking.
1. Andrew Frankenetti flips heads on its convention.
1. While others pass the buck, Andrew Frankenetti rolls in the dough.

The New Cosmology: The Butt Hole, The Baker, and the Baseball Glove Maker
1. There is but One Hole in the Looniverse.
1. There is “Butt Hole One” in the Looniverse, and it is the Big Dipper in the new cosmology.
1. The Baker’s in the Butt Hole.
1. Butt Hole One cannot be pigeon-holed… there is no pigeon-hole.
1. The Baker makes DoNuts, not DoNots.
1. The Baker filled the DoNuts with cream.
1. Optimistically, the Looniverse is half-full and all Butt Hole.
1. The Looniverse is a slice of the Paniverse spread with crunchy Peter Paniverse Peanut Butter. We’re trying to add more nuts!
1. The Buffooniverse is a slice of the Paniverse spread with Schmuckers.
1. It’s not a small world.
1. The Contraverse is not!
1. In between the House of the Rising Yeast and the House of the Setting Cake lies the Driveway to the Looniverse.
1. The Ruler of the Looniverse is over one foot and two Nuts in High Heels.
1. The moon is made of Aware-ican cheese, and that is why the ware-wolves come out to sell sheep’s clothing during the fool moon.
1. The Paniverse has but one hole through the middle of the loaf, which makes each slice contain an image of this one and only hole.
1. All creations of the Baker are part of the Infinite Dough-Knot.
1. Beat your Maker; meet your Baker!
1. The Baker’s dozen is 84.
1. The Banker's in the bundt hole.
1. The Baker bakes for no man.
1. The Paniverse is a bun in and out of the oven.
1. The Balls do not sweat!
1. There is but one crack in the Looniverse, and it is cracking up.
1. The One Crack and One Hole are Butt One in the same.
1. When the Kaiser is baked in the Butt Hole, he gets the butt munchies.
1. Despite what you might think, Rule Number Twos are not made by the Baker in the Butt Hole.
1. Spalding Fitzgerald like a Glove makes him "One Size Fitzgerald".
1. In the beginning, there was Andrew Frankenetti. Then She put the Glove on and left the rest to the Baker.
1. Remove the Glove, and ye shall see the flood of Irreality.
1. Glove is all we need (and we do).
1. Andrew Frankenetti was born in a vowel movement.

Rule Number One:

1. There is a way to explain the beginning of everything without involving Looney Tunes at all, but then it wouldn’t have the same music.
1. A pun a day keeps the shrink at large.
1. If you hear any noise it’s just the boys and girls at the Department of Miss Information.
1. The thing that happened before the “weekend” (hereafter referred to as the week) was the before-time, and the workplace is the land before time that the dinosaurs keep running.
1. Adults are puzzles that we can disassemble.
1. When you die, it’s just like the end of a Looney Tunes cartoon, except you get pulled in by the Glove.
1. We must stop skipping on the nuts and start skating on the balls.
1. Those responsible for bureaucratic mix-ups work at the Department of Mr. Information.
1. CONfusion is a state of the CONfederacy.
1. COPulation may land you in jail, but CROOKulation will get you something for nothing.
1. When you close your mouth there is a molar eclipse. When you open your mouth it reveals the plaque hole.
1. The male box is in the back.
1. The Prodigal Buns have the runs.
1. The Post Orifice has yet to sort out its fee for male.
1. Not CONstitution or PROstitution, but restitution for destitution throughout. Throw out institutions.
1. Blind men search for the Holy Braille.
1. The slow-witted and unobservant operate under the Department of Mrs. Information.
1. Turn in, toon on, take out.
1. Every day is every day.
1. Celebrate every Halliday.
1. Is is not - a tripple not, that is.
1. If you want to think outside of the box, get into a box, apply the Glove, and box yourself.

1. Pandora's box of Froot Loops was actually two cans of worms, not just one..

Tabloid Morality: The Marriage of the Good and the Brad
1. Do the Good thing, not the Brad thing.
1. If you do the Brad thing, you end up in the Brad Pit.
1. If you do the Good thing, you end up on the Tom Cruise.
1. Cruise Control to Major Tom.
1.        Q: Can you take a Tom Cruise on the Rock Hudson?
A: Only if the River Phoenix is flying overhead.
1.        Q: Can you take a Penelope Cruz in the Ricki Lake?
            A: So long as the Farrah Fawcett is running.
1. The Marlboro Man rides a Camel in the Brad Pit.
1. We cannot determine whether the ugly are Good or Brad because they’re so hard to look at.
1. Deciding who is Good and who is Brad leads to a Helen which-Hunt.
1. Mike Judge uses Nicholas Cage to uphold the Jude Law.
1. We will hereafter refer to the Nameless One as the Nameless One.
1. We’re all born with the original chin.
1. By George, stay out of the Bushes!
1. Why you would order Paul Reubens without a Pee Wee bit of Colonel Mustard, I haven't a Clue.
1. The Brad Pit is in the Contraverse.
1. The Contraverse is a false loaf pinched by Brad (not baked by the Baker).
1. The Contraverse is full of holes because the force of Brad pulling into himself caused a tear in waste and time.
1. No matter how hard Brad pinches himself, he can never wake up and get out of himself.
1. A pit is hole with a bottom; you sit on your bottom with a hole.
1. Adam spilled his applesauce on Eve’s original chin.
1. The Department of Miss Information serves the necessary function of keeping the Departments of Mr. and Mrs. Information orbiting a distant planet of one of the stars in the Leonardo DiCapricorn constellation of the Buffooniverse.
1. Glenn Close only counts in whore shoes/Ayn Rand grenades.

The Loonited States of Aware-ica
The Plural Edge:
Q:  Why pledge allegiance to the gag of the Loonited States of Aware-ica?
…and to the Bee Public, for which it pans (one station, underground, invisible), which smacks of honey?
A:  It's funny----that’s all.
1. As members of the Looniverse, we all live in the Loonited States of Aware-ica.
1. The Looniverse is huge, even bigger than New York City.
1. The Looniverse is greater than the sum of some of its farts.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is a Laughrican Awareican.
1. The Moon is made of Aware-ican cheese.
1. What govern meant was beyond its means.
1. Andrew Frankenetti keeps the Lost Boys and Founding Fathers behind the counter-culture.
1. When it comes to possessions, Andrew Frankenetti claims no cunt – RE: “Her own”.
1. In trust we trust; in lies we lust; in dust we die, in time we must. Matches to ashes, butts to butts.
1. Life is not be free when you have to pay the price.
1. The issuing of currency doesn't help us from running out of time.
1. Laughter - not inflation - is responsible for the expansion of the Looniverse.
1. During a recession, Andrew Frankenetti spends more time eating Her free lunch than playing at recess.


1. Knowing your ABC’s means knowing your: “Anthony Braxton, Coltrane, Duke Ellington. H, I, John Zorn, Louis Armstrong, P. Q, R, Sun Ra, TV sucks. Double-you expect something..."
1. Every animal has its own jazz.
1. What Billy Joel meant to say was, “You may be right,I may be crazy, but it just might be the Looniverse you’re looking for.”
1. The line “Yes, and he always had some mighty fine wine” has hereby been stricken from the record of “Joy to the World” by Three Dog Night.
1. All you need is Glove.
1. Don’t hurry. Bee honey.
1. Rub-a-dub, dub, 3 wise men and a baby.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is the keeper of my soul. When I’m  good, She fills Her stockings.
When I’m bad, She gives me coal.
1. Jane Doe: a dear, a shemale dear.
1. I’d do anything to meet/eat Meatloaf, but I won’t do that.
1. "Four in One" is Thelonious' number that you'll ever do.
1. The pills are alive with the sound of muzak.
1. Anthony Braxton and Butch Morris are the conductors aboard the John Coltrane.
1. You do not need track-marks to ride the John Coltrane.
1. Get off the band wagon,and get on the Trane.
1. If you’re Elvin Jones’n for a Max Roach or if you’re only playing music to get Buddy Rich, then you've already missed the John Coltrane.
1. The Alice Coltrane makes frequent stops in Wonderland.
1. Free Jazz don't pay.
1. Rough Jazz isn't free for all - just for those who get splinters in their ears.
1. Rosa Parks sits in the front on the John Coltrane.
1. If you have a turntable, flip the Bird over.
1. The Santa Claus of the Franz Liszt states that naughty children get a timeout in the John Cage.
1. You can call me Al, but I'd prefer Andrew Frankenetti.
1. Duck Jazz musicians know their AQC’s, which go: “Anthony Quaxton, Coltrane, Duck Ellington. H, I, John Zorn, Louis Armstrong, Duck.. Q, R, Sun Ra, TV Ducks. Double-ducky, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, goose!"

Medi(c/t]ations or To-and-FroZen
1.  Souperfluously, Andrew Frankenetti walks into a bank with wantons and leaves with wallets.
1.  It is safe to ass-ume that Andrew Frankenetti told the truth, the hole truth, and nothing butt the truth. This ass-umption is built upon a reversed butt-hole without "truth and nothing".
1. "Hey! Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
     "A haiku."  "A haiku, who?
     "A haiku by you."
1. What's brown and white and bread all over?
1. We cannot determine whether  Schrodinger's cat has nein or nine lives until the moment he spells it.
        *There's more than one way to scan a cat.
1. One thousand is worth 1000 pictures and not a picture less.
1. Which letter of the alphabet describes a mess when it becomes untied?
1.  You can laugh all the way to the bank before you go through withdrawal.
1. You are making You. You are making You. You are making You. You're Yourself.
1. If you say, "If you say 'Andrew Frankenetti' three times, then you will have said Andrew Frankenetti three more times than," three times, then you will have said Andrew Frankenetti three more times than if you had said "Andrew Frankenetti" three times.

Rule Number One:
1. To buckle my shoe, fly, and don't bother Hermes.
1. "I stink; therefore, I smell."
        - Rene Desfartes

1. It makes no cents to call nose sense non-scents.
1. Boring is as drilling does.
1. Why scramble like eggs when there’s a bun-dance?
1. Our symbols are hitting us with our own drumsticks.
1. When the human race finally ends, nobody will have crossed the finish line that instead crossed everybody.
1. If you take nothing else away from all of this, at least you have read rule number one.
1. Ownership has set sale for sure, and you bought it: furry tale.
1. Puns free us from our prison sentences.
1. It's natural to feel a Freud when you're Jung.
1. Don't count your chicken coupes before they hatchback.
1. Demeaning is demanding as two meanings is too many.
1. Mary is sometimes pictured mad on a Xmas morning.
1. "X" Marx the Brothers.
1. Ezra gets a pounding headache, but James rejoices when Lewis sings his carols.
1. Humor is in the pie of the beholder.
1. Cow museum, cow moo don't.
1. People who live in gingerbread houses shouldn't throw scones.
1. To get Get Smart, you have to go-go back in time.
1. In formation we find out lying.
1. If you sum one, you get one. If you know one, it takes one. If you won, you are one.

Q: Who in God's name is Andrew Frankenetti?!?!?!
A: Andrew Frankenetti is in Her own name, and who She is depends on everything.

Q: Could Andrew Frankenetti microwave a burrito so hot that She, Herself, could not eat it?

A: No, because Andrew Frankenetti has a leather mouth.
Q: How doth Andrew Frankenetti know letters, having never learned?
A: Andrew Frankenetti can recite the alphabet backwards.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Ask not why the chicken crossed the road. Ask why the road was crossed by the chicken.
A: You’d be cross too if a chicken walked on you.
Q: Is Andrew Frankenetti always ready?
A: Ready or not, here She comes.
Q: Is it going to rain today?
A: Yes, but you may have the good fortune to be somewhere else.

Q: Is the sound of One Butt crapping the same as the taste of an empty toilet bowl of rice?
A: No, of course not!

Q: How can Andrew Frankenetti change my life for the better?
A: In any way that you can imagine and in no way that you can't.

Q: Why did Andrew Frankenetti rob Peter to pay Paul?
A: Paul had the bone-saw.
Q: If a cliche occurs in the woods, and there is no one around to observe it; does it still make Frankensense to ask this question?
A: Does Andrew Frankenetti crap in the woods?

Q: Truth or dare?
A: Dare

Q: Am I going to be tested on any of this?
A: Yes, but you'll be grading yourself.

Q: Where do babies come from?

A: Children are our greatest natural resources. They are mined by children in children minds.
Q: Why believe in Andrew Frankenetti if Andrew Frankenetti doesn't believe in me?
A: Why believe that you believe Andrew Frankenetti doesn't believe in you if you don't believe you believe in Andrew Frankenetti?

Q: What do I do if I can’t fall asleep?

A: Shear lunar sheepclipse.

Q: What happens if I use the Lord’s name in Spain?
A: The Spanish proposition is aye before sí.

Q: How does Andrew Frankenetti hold Her liquor?
A: In a Frankenstein.

Q: What came first, the chicken or the egg salad?
A: They came out on the same tray.

Q: What time is it?
A: We need to know when first.

Q: How do I get to Never Never Land?
A: Second Starbucks to the right and straight on 'til Morning.

Q: What is Zen?
A: Asking Andrew Frankenetti the meaning of Zen is like a simile, so stop asking as if you're asking.

Q: None of this is really that funny or interesting.
A: What kind of a question is that?

The Mamas and the Papas
1. Mama said:
    ~ Stupid is as stupid does
    ~ Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.
    ~ Knock you out!
    ~ I won't have you bringing strange young girls in for supper! By candlelight, I suppose, in
        the cheap erotic fashion of young men with cheap erotic minds!
    ~ All the leaves are brown, and the sky is gray.
    ~ Forget about your brotherly and otherly love; motherly love is just the thing for you.
1. Mama's got a squeeze-box. Daddy never sleeps at night.
1. Mother is the invention of necessity.
1. Dad likes dada when he takes Mom to MOMA.
1. Papa was a Rolling Rock away from the refrigerator.
1. It's the middle of the night, and your mommy and your daddy are sleeping - sleeping in a jar.
1. Papa's got a brand new bag.
1. It's not all because your mama don't dance and your daddy don't rock and roll.
1. We all must eventually move out of our Oedipus Duplex.

1. PropagAndrew is run out of the publications department of LUNY (Loony University of New York) Frankenetti, located two hundred feet below Nassau Avenue
1. PropagAndrew is a self-fulfilling propagation as well as a self-propagating fulfillment.
1. PropagAndrew doesn't make real profits or false prophets.
1. If you build it, She will come.
1. It matters not when Frankensense falls on deaf ears, for it climbs up through the nostrils.
1. Don't worry if you get lost in translation; nobody knows where you're going anyway.


The Thank-Ya-Ma’am,It’s the Law
1. Thou shalt surely shit.
1. There is but one Commandment.
1. There is one Butt Commandment.
1. There is Butt Commandment One: “Do what thou wilt shall be the hole of the butt.”
1. “Do what thou wilt shall be the but of the whole.”
1. “Do what thou wilt shall be the loophole of the but.”
1. Do and do not do whatever you do and do not want to do and to do not.
1. No "should"s outside your body.

Rule Number One:
0. Negate any of the above.
0. I am a liar, but I didn't write that.
0. What you see is what you get.
0. Setting sail on 2 boats simultaneously in different directions implies arriving at a pair o' docks.
0. Correlation correlates with causation, which caused the correlation to begin with.
0. Just put a zero at the end.
0. Andrew Frankenetti is phallicy.

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