According to Andrew Frankenetti
MORETHANFOURWORDS
This is a joke. “What is a joke?” you ask. Can’t you hear the deafinition? Allow me to unxplain… A joke is for the people who can take it, who get it, and who like what they get. Get it?
This is a religion. A religion is a Belief System, or BS, as Andrew Frankenetti explained on several occasions. Andrew Frankenetti believed that She made the following proclamations, which should help you achieve Illoonimation and to know what Enlighten-up meant. You’d better believe it.
| Rule Number
Ones 1. Don’t pay attention to the plot. 1. Stranger things have happened. 1. Let’s be Frank. 1. Humor was a myth created by Andrew Frankenetti. 1. PROcess not CONtext 1. If you don’t know what to say, unwrap the obvious, then swallow the wrapper. Don’t call for help… you knew what you were getting into. 1. If you want to think outside of the box, get into a box, apply the glove, and box yourself. 1. If you ask us, we will booblarize you. 1. The Short Road to Frankensense Everlasting contains bristles and nettles necessary for the bloodletting of the pure of heart. 1. Do what you did when you were 5 and make it smart... but not too smart. |
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1. Andrew Frankenetti is the greatest Italian who never lived.
1. Andrew Frankenetti never says stop.
1. Andrew Frankenetti’s father was a traffic cop.
1. Andrew Frankenetti makes Frankensense.
1. Andrew Frankenetti has brain-tsunamis.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is a trooper.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is a dick.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is winning 8-to-nothing.
1. Andrew Frankenetti will hold up in a court of law.
1. Andrew Frankenetti does not practice gimmicks. She does not need practice.
1. Andrew Frankenetti eats mice and shits out rats.
1. When Andrew Frankenetti eats birds, monkeys fly out of her butt.
1. When Andrew Frankenetti eats dung beetles, She shits out dung-dung beetles.
1. Andrew Frankenetti does not eat dung-dung beetles, because then She would be constipated, and all life would cease to exist.
1. Species are feces.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is pretty, pretty, pretty good.
1. Andrew Frankenetti’s work is never done.
1. When Andrew Frankenetti seams funny, you bust a stitch.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is not selling what you’re buying.
1. Andrew Frankenetti gets a better grip with Talchemy Powder.
1. Andrew Frankenetti knows where you are in spice and thyme because She is familiar with Liesenburg’s Elementary School Principal.
Rule Number Ones:
1. There is a way to explain the beginning of everything without involving Looney Tunes at all, but then it wouldn’t have the same music.
1. Milk it for all its girth.
1. If you hear any noise it’s just me and the boys and girls at the Department of Miss Information.
1. Those who make inappropriate and irrelevant connections and other mix-ups work for the Department of Mr. Information.
1. The slow-witted and unobservant operate under the Department of Mrs. Information.
1. The thing that happened before the “weekend” (hereafter referred to as the week) was the before-time, and the workplace is the land before time that the dinosaurs keep running.
1. Adults are puzzles that we can disassemble.
1. When you die, it’s just like the end of a Looney Tunes cartoon, except you get pulled in by the glove.
1. We must stop skipping on the nuts and start skating on the balls.
1. CONfusion is a state of the CONfederacy.
1. COPulation will put you in jail, but CROOKulation will get you something for nothing.
1. When you close your mouth there is a molar eclipse. When you open your mouth it reveals the plaque hole.
1. The Balls do not sweat!
1. The male box is in the back.
1. The Prodigal Buns have the runs.
1. The Post Orifice has yet to sort out its fee for male.
1. Blind men search for the Holy Braille.
1. I stink; therefore I smell.
1. Mojito! There go some.
1. Turn in, toon on,, take out.
1. Every day is every day.
1. Celebrate each Halliday every day.
1. Is is not.
1. A pun a day keeps the shrink at large.
The New Cosmology:
The Butt Hole, The Baker, and the Baseball Glove Maker
1. The Department of Miss Information serves the necessary function of keeping the Departments of Mr. and Mrs. Information orbiting a distant planet of one of the stars in the Leonardo DiCapricorn constellation of the Buffooniverse.
1. The Buffooniverse is a slice of the Paniverse spread with Schmuckers.
1. It’s not a small world.
1. There is but one hole in the Looniverse.
1. There is “Butt Hole One” in the Looniverse, and it is the Big Dipper in the new cosmology.
1. The Baker’s in the Butt Hole
1. Butthole One cannot be pigeon-holed… there is no pigeon-hole.
1. The Contraverse is not!
1. The Looniverse is a slice of the Paniverse spread with crunchy
1. The Earth is the Turd Rock from the Buns.
1. The moon is made of Aware-rican cheese, and that is why the ware-wolves come out to sell sheep’s clothing during the fool moon.
1. The Paniverse has but one hole through the middle of the loaf, which makes each slice contain an image of this one and only hole.
1. All creations of the Baker are part of the Infinite Dough-Knot.
1. Beat your Maker; meet your Baker!
1. The Baker’s dozen is 84.
1. The Baker bakes for no man
1. When the Kaiser is baked in the Butt Hole, he gets the butt munchies.
1. Despite what you might think, Rule Number Twos are not made by the Baker in the Butt Hole.
1. Spalding Fitzgerald like a glove.
1. One size Fitzgerald.
1. If the shoe Fitzgerald wears it.
1. Bald Pre-Balled Johnson makes the shoes.
Tabloid Morality: The Marriage of the Good and the Brad
1. Do the Good thing, not the Brad thing.
1. If you do the Brad thing, you end up in the Brad Pit.
1. If you do the Good thing, you end up on the Tom Cruise.
1. Cruise Control too, Major Tom.
1. Q: Can you take a Tom Cruise on the Rock Hudson?
A: Only if the River Phoenix is flying overhead.
1. Q: Can you take a Billie Holiday on the Tom Cruise?
A: No.
1. Q: Can you take a Billie Holiday on the Celia Cruz in the Ricki Lake?
A: Yes.
1. Q: What do you do if you're drowning in the Ricki Lake?
A: Whistle to the Florence Nightingale.
1. The Marlboro Man rides a Camel in the Brad Pit.
1. We cannot determine whether the ugly are Good or Brad because they’re so hard to look at.
1. Deciding who is Good and who is Brad is a Helen which-Hunt.
1. mike Judge uses Nicholas Cage to uphold the Jude Law.
1. ALWAYS, ALWAYS RECORD CONVERSATIONS ABOUT THE LOONIVERSE, LEST YOU FORGET TO SPIT OUT THE BRAD PITT INTO FERTILE SOIL SO THAT IT MAY GROW INTO A PEACH TREE BEARING THE HENCEFORTH IDENTIFIED FORBIDDEN FRUIT OF ANNOYING QUESTIONS THAT LEAD NOWHERE AND ONLY INCUR THE WRATHE OF THE GLOVE. For this reason we cast the knowledge of the Good and the Brad into the Brad Pit, never to be spoken of again.
1. We will hereafter refer to the Nameless One as the Nameless One.
1. The Brad Pit is in the Contraverse.
1. The Contraverse is a false loaf pinched by Brad (not baked by the Baker).
1. The Contraverse is full of holes because the force of Brad pulling into himself caused a tear in waste and time.
1. No matter how hard Brad pinches himself, he can never wake up and get out of the Brad Pit. He can never get out of himself, no matter how hard he pinches.
1. A pit is hole with a bottom; you sit on your bottom with a hole.
1. We’re all born with the original chin.
1. Adam spilled his applesauce on Eve’s original chin.
1. Andrew Frankenetti cried for our butt-chins.
The Loonited States of Aware-ica
1. As members of the Looniverse, we all live in the Loonited States of Aware-ica.
1. The Looniverse is huge, even bigger than
1. The Looniverse is greater than the sum of its farts.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is a Laughrican Aware-ican.
1. The Moon is made of Aware-ican cheese.
The Plural Edge:
Q: Why pledge allegiance to the gag of the Loonited States of Aware-ica?
…and to the Bee-public, for which it pans (one station, underground, invisible), which smacks of honey?
A: We’re funny.....that’s all.
Notes
1. Knowing your ABC’s means knowing your: “Anthony Braxton,Coltrane,Duke Ellington. H,I,John Zorn,Louis Armstrong,P. Q,R,Sun Ra,TV sucks. Double-you expect something..."
1. Duck Jazz musicians also know their AQC’s, which go: “Anthony Quaxton,Coltrane,Duck Ellington. H,I,John Zorn,Louis Armstrong,Duck.. Q,R,Sun Ra,TV Ducks. Double-ducky, duck,duck,duck,duck,duck. Quack,quack,quack,quack,quack,quack,quack. Duck,duck,duck,duck, duck,duck,goose.”
1. What Billy Joel meant to say was, “You may be right,I may be crazy,but it just might be the Looniverse you’re looking for.”
1. The line “Yes,and he always had some mighty fine wine” has hereby been stricken from the record of “Joy to the World” by Three Dog Night.
1. All you need is Glove.
1. Don’t hurry. Bee honey.
1. Rub-a-dub,dub,3 wise men and a baby.
1. “Andrew Frankenetti is the keeper of my soul. When I’m good,She fills Her stockings.
When I’m bad,She gives me coal.”
1. I’d do anything to meet/eat Meatloaf, but Iwon’t do that.
1. Anthony Braxton and Benjamin Franklin are the conductors aboard the John Coltrane.
1. You do not need track-marks to ride the John Coltrane.
1. Get off the bandwagon,and get on the Trane.
1. If you’re Elvin Jones’n for a Max Roach or if you’re only playing music to get Buddy Rich, then you've already missed the John Coltrane.
1. The Alice Coltrane makes frequent stops in Wonderland.
1. Rosa Parks gets the front seat on the John Coltrane.
1. If you have a record player,then flip the Bird over.
1. The Santa Clause of the Franz Liszt states that naughty children get a timeout in the John Cage.
Medi(c)tations
1. Souperfluously, Andrew Frankenetti walks into a bank with wantons and leaves with wallets.
1. You can laugh all the way to the bank before you go through withdrawal.
1. It is safe to ass-ume that Andrew Frankenetti told the truth, the hole truth, and nothing butt the truth. This ass-umption is built upon a reversed butt-hole without "truth and nothing".
Catch-A-Schism
Q: Could Andrew Frankenetti microwave a burrito so hot that She, Herself, could not eat it?
A: No, because Andrew Frankenetti has a leather mouth.
Q: How doth Andrew Frankenetti know letters, having never learned?
A: Andrew Frankenetti can recite the alphabet backwards while drunk.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Ask not why the chicken crossed the road. Ask why the road was crossed by the chicken.
Q: Why was the road crossed by the chicken?
A: You’d be cross too if a chicken walked on you.
Q: Is Andrew Frankenetti always ready?
A: Ready or not, here She cums.
Q: Why did Andrew Frankenetti rob
A: Paul had the bone-saw.
Q: Is the sound of One Butt crapping the same as the taste of an empty toilet bowl of rice?
A: No, of course not!
Q: Where do babies come from?
A: Children are our greatest natural resources. They are mined by children in children minds.
Q: What do I do if I can’t fall asleep?
A: Shear lunar sheepclipse.
Q: What if Anne drew Frankenetties, and roof rank in eddies?
A: Then Anne Frank would marry Drew Eneddy.
Q: What happens if I use the Lord’s name in
A: The Spanish proposition is aye before sí.
The Mamas and the Papas
1. Mama said:
~ Stupid is as stupid does
~ Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.
~ Knock you out!
1. Mama's got a squeeze-box. Daddy never sleeps at night.
1. Papa was a Rolling Rock away from the refrigerator.
1. It's the middle of the night, and your mommy and your daddy are sleeping - sleeping in a jar.
1. It's not all because your mama don't dance and your daddy don't rock and roll.
1. We all must eventually move out of our Oedipus Duplex.
PropagAndrew
1. PropagAndrew is run out of the publications department of LUNY (Loony University of New York) Frankenetti, located two hundred feet below
The Thank-Ya-Ma’am-It’s
1. Thou shalt surely shit.
1. There is but one Commandment.
1. There is one Butt Commandment.
1. There is Butt Commandment One: “Do what thou wilt shall be the hole of the butt.”
1. “Do what thou wilt shall be the but of the whole.”
1. “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the but.”
Rule Number Ones:
0. Negate any of the above.
0. I am a liar.
0. What you see is what you get.
0. Always look both ways before crossing your eyes.
0. Setting sail on 2 boats simultaneously implies arriving at a pair o' docks.
0. Correlation correlates with causation, which caused the correlation to begin with.
0. Just put a zero at the end.